Since I was a little girl, I loved the idea of keeping a journal, but I never kept up with it. It’s been an off and off thing. I like the feeling of writing with a pen and being able to draw little designs on the side. I like being able to look back at what I wrote and how I wrote it. And honestly, I like admiring my beautiful handwriting. I can’t do those things with typing words out. But I’m going to give it a try and see if I like it.
Last night, I decided I would start blogging. I was feeling down and was crying in my bed, alone in the dark, feeling like I actually am alone. I could hear my mom and sister laughing and having a good time in the other room. I felt like I couldn’t join them. I don’t want my mom’s company when she feels like she has to give it to me. I want her attention when she wants to give it to me. I hate thinking that she can’t give me what I need and only my boyfriend can. Anyways, last night, as I was trying to say, I randomly searched “Pakistani American blog” and found this one girl’s personal blog. I read all her posts and loved the idea of blogging. I hope I can keep in touch with her. She seems like somebody I can connect with. I hope she replies to my email and sees it as sincere instead of creepy.
I feel like I have changed a lot over the years. But in the past year especially. I have been sober for a little over seven months now all thanks to my wonderful boyfriend. He lives 900 miles away from me, which sucks ass. I know if he and I lived together, we’d both be happy in life. My mom doesn’t understand love because she never had it and I feel bad for her. I hate talking about my boyfriend to people because I feel like nobody gets it. He is the first boyfriend I have ever had and he will be my last. I can’t prove it yet, but I just know it’s true.
I’ve been thinking a lot about “God.” I feel like He and I used to have this special relationship, but now, I feel like it’s gone. I feel like he doesn’t listen to me anymore. And if he does, he just ignores me. I like to think He’s looking out for me in his great big plan. But I just don’t know anymore.
The best thing that comes to my mind about blogging online is that I can make friends all around the world. Friends who have good hearts and are trying. Friends who are open-minded and free-spirited. Friends who will make me feel better. I know you guys are out there. I just hope I find you over the next few months.
alwayswantingtogrow 