No Wonder Suicide Rate is So High

I got a speeding ticket. I was involved in a hit-and-run, and received a misdemeanor. I have a stye in my eye. My boyfriend and I aren’t doing well. I have a migraine. I’ve been drinking coke. I’ve been thinking a lot about doing drugs again… so, alcohol or Xanax? My heart says choose one and my mind says don’t do either one of them.

Things are so shitty. I really think the drugs would make me feel better. I wouldn’t be so fucking sad all the time. It helps me cope with life. I’m glad I’m off the antidepressants because even though they helped me feel better, I felt like they were bad for me. They were effective in getting rid of the crying spells. I felt like I couldn’t cry anymore and after some time, I didn’t even want to cry. It was great. I just think it was bad because I would get addicted maybe.

The only reason I don’t do any drugs is because of my boyfriend…. I feel like that’s so wrong. It should be for myself. But I’m grateful for how much he cares about me. It’s sweet. But sometimes I find it selfish. He believes most drugs are bad and people shouldn’t do them. Sometimes I think that and sometimes I don’t. I don’t see the harm in the use of drugs occasionally. I agree I shouldn’t be doing drugs during school, but in the summer, I think I should be able to. I feel like he easily influences me, which is usually a good thing. But I don’t influence him much. Makes me feel sad. All I do is love him and lately I haven’t been even giving that one thing to him. I know he feels like breaking up with me all the time. I don’t blame him. Sometimes I feel like he should just do it. And if we’re soulmates, we’ll come back to each other. I’m starting to hate our long distance relationship. If I can’t live with him, I don’t want to continue our relationship right now. But that’s not actually true. It’s just how I feel right now.

I’ve been feeling so annoyed with him. He says he’s too busy to talk. And I know he really means it. But like, come on? Make time for your girlfriend. Long distance relationships can’t last like this. He says I don’t talk when he has the time. Well yeah! It’s fucking annoying when I have to work on his talking schedule. He barely has time to talk, and when he does have the time, I’m in a crabby mood because he and I haven’t talked enough.

I get how it seems like it’s my fault for not making things better. But I can’t help how I feel. Talking to him doesn’t always help. Sometimes I feel like our conversations are empty. Like the words we say are meaningless. I feel so distant from him. I know talking to him would help things eventually, but I just feel like the effort wouldn’t be reciprocated later on. I can’t be OK with the five minutes a day he gives me. We have Skyped once in the past few months. We’ve talked a couple times. And we mostly text. The texting has gotten less on his part because I guess he’s busier. So when he doesn’t text much, I don’t feel like texting a bunch of shit about my day. It seems stupid. I want to have a two-sided conversation.

I can’t wait for things to be good again, with him. But then things will get bad again. I hate this repeating cycle. So sick of it. So done.

I’ve been just putting away the boyfriend stuff mentally. It’s like he doesn’t exist. I’m trying to focus on myself because everybody else is out doing there own thing, and I’m the idiot who’s not. I can’t wait until school is over in a week. I’m going to go to the gym, go to the library and read books, do yoga, talk to a lot of strangers and make friends, and figure out what the fuck I’m doing for school after summertime.

I feel like I have to end this post about how perfect my boyfriend is. I really do believe he is… but only in person. When we’re together, things are fucking amazing. Incredible. So wonderful. We communicate so well and try to understand each other fully. And we get to hold each other too!! If I could just feel him once a night before I go to bed, I feel like I wouldn’t be feeling any of this negative shit. I just don’t know how to deal with this anymore. It’s getting so old. The same old problems.

P.S. I’m so glad I’ve made two new friends at work. I know they’re lifetime friends. Really good friends who understand me, make me feel better, and enjoy my company. Today, I was crying at work (which I’ve never done before) during my lunch break, and my coworker came and gave me a hug. He rubbed my back and tried to make me laugh. It just made me feel good that he could tell that something was wrong and that he cared enough to come say something. Thank you “superman.”

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