Crying Again Tonight. Great.

Today I got a full body wax in the morning. I wish my boyfriend could feel my soft, smooth skin. Then I went to work and visited my co-workers. I worked out with a brown goddess from work from 3:30 til 6:30. It was so what we needed. We’re going to make it a routine to do this, and we’re going to switch off which xSport location we’re going to go to so it’s fair. Last night she gave me a ride home because my mom took my car away, and we talked for hours in the car. There was a time where I started to feel like I was on mushrooms. We had such a thoughtful conversation on life and she even cried. I knew we both felt it.

It’s 11pm. I just woke up from a 3 hour nap. I’m supposed to study for my biology final which is at 1pm tomorrow. But instead, I’m eating ice cream and watching reruns of One Tree Hill 😦 But I will wake up at 7am to study… I’m still so fucked.

My boyfriend and I texted a little bit more than what we have in the past few days. I told him how I felt. He just said sorry and wished there was more time in the day. He STILL didn’t ask to see my blog even though I told him it bothered me that he didn’t ask for the URL.

I had a dream about going to a store with my mom and another woman I can’t remember. We were on a time crunch because of me. But last minute I wanted to buy a cool purple/white swirl nail polish and I was going to steal it. Right before I walked out, I told my mom I needed to pay for something. It took forever to pay for because I had ripped out all of the barcodes and had to find one that still had a barcode intact.

I had another dream. I was in a huge elevator that was going down and there were a bunch of girls with me. The elevator was oxygenated but we were underwater. Then soon it became unoxygenated and we had to go through these obstacles and swim up to breathe. I barely made it alive. I was second in row when going through the obstacles and coming up for air. I got stuck in this metal thing that’s the entrance to the place where you can start swimming up. All the girls were screaming to fucking relax. That was the trick. I don’t know how I did it, but I did. I usually panic more in those stressful situations.

*cue crying* My boyfriend just texted me. He feels like he wants to leave me. But he knows he doesn’t want to do that. He’s sick of my sad feelings and me feeling distant. And he’s sick of us not talking. He kept saying sorry and telling he feels like a piece of shit. Honestly, he should feel like that. I usually try to make things better and make both of us feel better. But not tonight. Sometimes I think he does act like an asshole and doesn’t see it. He claims to be such a caring guy and he really is, but he isn’t all the time. He puts work over me and he can’t admit that. He’s the one putting space in between us emotionally. He hasn’t been texting me when he has free time. He waited to tell me all this. I can’t believe he K’d me a couple times yesterday. I told him never to do that, and he said he wouldn’t if I didn’t… I haven’t. He needs to see he’s the problem. I don’t need him to make me feel better always. But I do need him to be close to me. If he can’t do that, that’s no way my fault (even if I’m being mean or whatever it is). He needs to figure it out. I feel like he’s losing me. I know we can both find other people and be happy. I feel sad that I go on Tinder for some male company. I hadn’t gone on it for months because my boyfriend gave me everything I needed. I think we’re going to break up if I don’t move to where he lives.

I feel like if we break up. I’m going to go back to drugs and sex. I will ruin my life. I know I need him. I think I need to move. But I feel like if I move, I won’t be doing it for the right reason. I will be leaving my family for my boyfriend. I’m also concerned about if I will be able to afford school there and pay for rent/food/other. If I moved, I’d depend on my boyfriend so much and I don’t know if he would be able to help me as much as I would need him to. I know he’d always be there for me. But what if we fight because we’re just stressed out? What if we have money problems? What if we don’t have a place to sleep? What if I ruin my life (like career-wise)?

I told my boyfriend that I would be happy forever if I was him. That IS true. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t also be sad. If I don’t have a career and am financially independent, I will be sad.

I try to remind myself that I’m ONLY twenty years old. That’s usually seen as young. But I feel so old. I’m going to try to give myself until age 25 before I start freaking out. That’s when I want to get married. Let’s see how life works out for me in the next few weeks. Please, help me, God.

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