I Am Weak

I was going to start this post with: I can’t wait to have my boyfriend with me when I want to go to an amusement park or a water park because I want to be that cute couple who hug, kiss, laugh, and complain about how long the line is or how it’s too hot. I want to be that cute couple that everybody looks at and gets annoyed and jealous by.
But. Now. I feel like my hearts been broken. I’ve been crying all day. Things still aren’t good with my boyfriend. It’s both of our faults. My tears feel so hot as they roll down my face. My nose soaked my sheets. And my eyes burn. I hate to think my mom is right when she called me weak, but I’m starting to believe her. I’ve been googling what it feels like to cut yourself.
I need help.

My boyfriend and I have been texting tonight. And he said I’ve been being mean to him. And I just realized he’s right. I think I’m crazy like my mom. Like actually. I think she’s mentally ill and has never been diagnosed. I know depression runs in the family. All this time I’ve been blaming him – it’s what I always do. I told him we should break up because neither one of us is happy like this. And we get sad a lot. Whenever the idea of breaking up comes up, he says we should be friends. That is the last thing I want. I rather not ever talk again. I’m too stubborn to get back with him even we love each other. If he’s been with other girls while we’ve been separated, I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get back with him. I’d be jealous and hurt. I feel like cussing him out. I think this might be it for us. We might be over.. Please God, help me find strength.

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