I’ve decided I’m going to start blogging again. I think it really helps and I regret not writing. Right now, I’m in Colorado Springs visiting my boyfriend. Summer is almost over. My flight home to Chicago is tomorrow morning at 5am and I start school the following day. I spent three wonderful weeks with my boyfriend. Even though I haven’t left, I already miss him. But I know we will do great with the long-distance relationship. We really are soulmates and we can get through anything.
Since I’ve been in Colorado, I smoked weed once and drank once. I was more excited for drinking and it wasn’t even that great. But the smoking was better than I expected. IT WAS AMAZING. I felt like I unlocked my inner-self. I hit the bong twice. I took a small hit the first time and I barely felt anything. Then the second hit made me cough like a fucker and almost made me pass out (in a good way, kinda). I felt so relaxed and comfortable. When I smoked, I was with one of my Boulder friends and we sat outside and just talked. It was nice. It was freeing just chilling and smoking out in the open. Later, I mistreated my boyfriend. I wasn’t communicating well and it led to some problems between us. But we talked and made it better eventually. He doesn’t like me doing drugs and I don’t like being a “druggie.” So we decided that once I go home, I can smoke with my best friend and if I can handle myself and not get sad, then I can do it occasionally. But if I get depressed and mistreat him because of it, then I have to quit weed forever. He says this decision risks our relationship and that I shouldn’t do it but he’s ok with giving me another chance with drugs. He later said that he would stay with me even if he was sad with us, which upset me inside. But he later explained that he would stay because he knows it would get better with us later on because it always does.
I’m excited to start at Lake Forest because it’s the school I always wanted to go to but never did because I moved to Colorado during my freshman year. Lake Forest is a small liberal arts college that has a great vibe and atmosphere. I just switched my major from health/science to business so I think it’ll be easier to improve my grades. I hate to say it, but Biology and Chemistry are just not my thing. I hate those subjects and I’ve been miserable in my academics for the past two years because of them. I would just memorize shit and vomit all that bullshit onto my exam without knowing what any of it means. I’ve realized I shouldn’t go to college just to get a degree; I need to learn and find something I like so I can succeed. It doesn’t have to be a passion, but something enjoyable and worthwhile.
Also, I just want to mention that even though my boyfriend and I are doing extremely well right now, he cheated on me July of 2015. It was when he was in Fargo. We had technically broken up. But it wasn’t real. He knows he made a mistake. I remember we were texting at night and he had something to tell me. I had to guess that he had sex with another girl. He couldn’t even tell me. I cried all night and morning. I told my mom about it that night and she held me while I cried (it was strange but comforting). When I found out he did that to me, my hands felt like they were on fire. They were so hot and sweaty. I don’t know why. And I just felt broken. I still feel that broken-feeling sometimes. But I know we are getting through it. He said that it was like it wasn’t him who did the cheating. I know he could never do that to me, but you know what, HE DID. He stuck his penis in some slut at his wrestling job. He feels awful about it still and so do I. I’ve been having trust issues with him ever since. I always had them, but they got worse. So now he doesn’t talk to girls as much. And when he does, he always tells me. It’s all very disgusting. But I hope in a few years it can be forgotten. I know I would never cheat on him. Sometimes I still can’t believe he did it to me. I cry about it a lot. He hurt me so bad.
My boyfriend invited the girl over to his place. His roommate was out. The night or two before, I kept asking my boyfriend to skype me but he said he couldn’t because he never had the time or people were always there… Lol. But he had time to fuck some girl in secret. Anyways, the girl and my boyfriend were watching TV. They started out tickling each other then started biting each others’ faces. They kissed with some tongue and had gross sex. He stuck it inside her and thrusted a few times then came on her stomach. They didn’t use a condom and she told him to pull out before he comes. He got up and put his clothes on and she left soon after. He said that it was a huge mistake after and she kept disagreeing and she kept telling him he did nothing wrong. She told him that he and I were broken up so what they did was perfectly ok. He kept disagreeing so she then she felt bad and kept saying she’s an awful person. And she said it was all her fault. Then he said no it’s all his fault….. How stupid of both of them. It doesn’t even sound fun and enjoyable. He literally had fun for the 30 seconds they fucked. I hope he really enjoyed that half of the minute because it broke me. He didn’t think about me and my feelings at all. She later texted him saying how bad she felt because she does this a lot. She gets in the middle of people’s relationships. I told my boyfriend to get tested for STIs and he never did.
alwayswantingtogrow 