Ehhhh

Yesterday, I went to a job interview for Viti Insurance. The day before, I took the math assessment for the Mathnasium job. I don’t think I’m working at the insurance thing because I have no experience and I don’t want to be a receptionist. They’re more interested in hiring me over the summer and I need a job PRONTO. I need an income because mom’s making me pay for tuition, gas, phone bill, and all other additional things like outside food.

I’ve been getting headaches almost everyday and I don’t understand why. I don’t eat the healthiest but I eat alright on a good schedule – breakfast, lunch, snacks, and dinner. I workout almost every other day. I do homework all day. I do watch TV a lot, which ain’t good. I’ve decided I’m going to start taking my vitamins again. I also been reading about this thing called, “OptiMind.” It’s like adderall if you take it with Phenibut, but it’s not bad for you. It’s like vitamins. But I’m not sure if I should take it. But I was thinking of at least trying it and then seeing if it’s for me. You’re supposed to use it so you can get in the habit of doing your work. You’re supposed to stop taking OptiMind after a little while. I think the headaches are because I may not drink enough water :/ The amount we need to drink is ridiculous. I think I’m supposed to drink like 50-70 ounces everyday? My one water bottle is 17 ounces… so I need to drink at 4 bottles per day. I guess that’s not too bad if I keep it with me at all times, but it’s hard to remember.

Anyways, last night, I smoked with Manar and Maddy at Starbucks. I took two hits off of Maddy’s bowl. It was on her ten minute break. After, Manar and I drove back to my apartment. When I drove, it all felt so weird. I haven’t driven high in so long. I was in control, but it just felt different. Manar kept talking and I had to tell her to shut up a few times because I had to concentrate. I almost missed an exit twice, but I saved it last minute both times. Listening to music while stoned is the motherfucking best. When we got to the place, I showed her around and she was amazed. She kept saying it was like a super nice hotel. Talha came soon after and he ate Subway. We all watched Gilmore Girls and they said how shitty the show was lol. So we watched Louis CK. His stand up was hilarious. Sometimes the humor was too dark for me to laugh. But I love how mad he gets at life. Then later, Monik came over. We all went downstairs and played pool and talked around the outdoor fire place. We then all went for a drive and smoked out of Talha’s vape. Monik was done after two hits as usual. Talha, Manar, and I kept going. Then Manar stopped. Talha and I are always the ones to keep going, which Talha mentioned. I started thinking about it and he’s so right. I’m not sure why we’re like that. Even in our friend groups, we’re always the ones to want to keep going when our friends stop soon after because they feel it. Talha and I will feel the high, but our mentality is like: why not keep smoking? Also, us girls shared an orange and it was delicious.

We all came back to the apartment. It was raining soooo hard. So much thunder and lightening. People have been taking pictures for the past 3 days of the lightening. It’s been crazy. Dan was there to pick up Manar. It was like 7pm. So she left, but she kept saying she didn’t want to go. It was more fun with us. When she was with him, he was in a crap mood and wouldn’t talk much. I think because she was high, which is just annoying as fuck. Monik, Talha, and I got Lou Manati’s Pizza. We waited in the car for like 40 minutes because we ordered it over the phone in their parking lot, lol. We listened to music and talked. They went in and got it, and we went home. Zoya, mom, Talha, Monik, and I watched our home baby videos and ate pizza. Then we went and played pool. Monik left after awhile around 10 or 11pm. Talha and I played a game, which he won. Then he went home soon after.

When I got into bed, I texted Dalton and things just weren’t great. He was annoying me because he was trying to prove a point. He kept saying he was upset that I didn’t talk to him while I was with friends and family. But he wasn’t really.  He was just trying to tell me I shouldn’t get upset when he’s with friends and family and can’t text me as much. I GET IT. I kept telling him. Him showing this over and over to me wasn’t helpful. I asked him to stop. And he said he had to show me a few times so it sticks in my mind…. wtf. I mean I understand, but it’s just unnecessary. I said I would try to not get upset. And he said if I don’t get upset, he won’t try proving that point. Then he said he would try if I tried. I just found that annoying. This will not help me not get upset later. I know I’m wrong to get upset when he’s busy. I KNOW THAT. I tell myself that. I can’t help it when I really miss him and want to talk. I texted him a few times throughout the night, and it wasn’t much of a conversation. Once he would reply something like “yeah” or “okay,” I just didn’t reply to it.

I only stayed up like an hour with him over text then went to bed. He said I was acting strange and asked me to stop smoking. My “bad” behavior didn’t have anything to do with being high. He thinks it does. Regardless, I don’t think he handled it well. I asked him how he felt and he said fine. I said I felt, “ehhhh.” He agreed that he felt that too. I told him if he wants me to keep talking that I would and it’s no problem. He said he didn’t want me to keep talking; he wanted me to not settle. I was there talking and he kept saying “soooooo” and I replied the same. So then I was like “ok I’m going to go sleep, I love you, have a goodnight.” He said I never settle and now I am. I said we were okay, which isn’t good or bad, and we made it a little better than before. So, it seemed good enough to say bye. I had told him I was so tired.  When he’s tired, he makes it good enough to say bye. I did the same. I understand that I usually don’t say bye when things are just ok, but I was exhausted. I was up since 7am. We kept sending each other heart and kissing emojis and I put my phone away after and went to sleep. I didn’t hold him close to me. I didn’t feel it. I think it may have been the first time I didn’t hold him very close when things are actually good between us. I still thought about him and me snuggling, but I just didn’t feel wonderful about us. I didn’t feel all warm and loving. Kinda sucked. It was all very just ehhhh.

OH. And also. I am so annoyed with my mom. I have to pay a $1300 credit card payment, which is just unfair. She says she doesn’t have enough money. How the fuck can she afford to pay for this $3000 apartment??! She should have never gotten it then. She never plans anything. Now, we find out, the renters at our old house may be moving soon. She needs people to be living there so they can pay for it. My mom can’t pay for the new apartment and the old house. Last night, my mom went through my purse to supposedly find the keys. She was curious about the mens perfume in my bag and the mace. I confronted her this morning and she said she wasn’t snooping and she needed the keys to give to me. I don’t buy it 100%. We always leave the door unlocked if she leaves as long as one of us is in the building. She didn’t need to give me the keys. It’s no biggie about the purse. I don’t keep drugs or anything in the house or my car. I never have it on me. It would be funny if she found my dildo. Zoya and I found hers a few weeks ago and confronted her about it, which was hilarious. It was so gross – it was the jelly kind, it was HUGE, and red. She claimed that Saba gave it to her and she never used it. Riiiiiiiight.

I smoked last night because I just needed a break. All I do is study and watch TV. I’ve been bored kinda. I never hang out with anybody. But now I’ve wasted one whole day and one morning, so now I gotta get my ass to studying. I have an Econ exam Monday, Calc exam Wednesday, Stats exam Thursday, and Theatre paper due Friday  -___-

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