Bad… AND GOOD

I started this blog to write about how I feel. To get it alllll out. And it helps. But sometimes I read back my posts and I get sad. That’s because I tend to write only about the bad stuff going on in my life. I focus more on the negative shit. I don’t know why, but I feel like it’s common in people. No wonder so many people are unhappy.

I want to write more about my good shit too, so I’m going to. But before I do so, I need to get all the negativity out. So, last night, my boyfriend and I were doing amazing. But then he started talking to a girl who was a guy robot on Facebook. And we started arguing. He got overwhelmed. We both know we been making progress about trusting each other and him talking to other girls. Granted, he was talking to a guy who was claiming to be a girl. But the point was that he continued to talk to “her” when he knew it was a guy. It was unnecessary. It just hurt to know that a stranger girl can email him and send him nudes. This girl robot guy was asking my boyfriend all these questions and saying she’s lonely and telling him if he votes for her modeling career on some website that she’ll send him nudes, which I know was a lie. But thinking about the fact that it can be real hurt so bad. He wasn’t understanding my feelings. He just said I was being irrational because it was actually a guy.

I told him about how I go on Tinder. I sent him screen shots. And I openly tell the guys I’m in a relationship and am very happy. And that I’m just looking for friendship because I don’t have many friends. He got upset because he says I trust these guys too much. He was sad that I trust them and not my own boyfriend. I understand what he’s saying, but it’s easier to trust strangers. And it’s not even trust, it’s more like “yeah ok I believe whatever you tell me because I don’t care that much.” My boyfriend was saying how these guys don’t care if I say I have a good boyfriend who I love because they just want to fuck me. They have all these other girls and I’m one of those choices for a fuck buddy. I can understand that and so I said I would stop going on Tinder. Boyfriend said no that it’s fine, but I just need to realize what’s going on. I said I know. He said he knows that I know, and that he trusts me and that he knows nothing is ever going to happen between me and some other guy. It was sweet.

I partly get upset when my boyfriend talks to girls because he’s SOO nice and every girl loves a nice guy, especially if they’re feeling sad. Those girls can develop feelings for my man. And even though I know my man won’t like those girls back, it still hurts. I don’t want him rubbing some girl’s back or telling them it’ll all be ok. That shit is only for me. Sometimes I understand if he needs to comfort some girl or something, but not all the time.  I just want my boyfriend to treat the girls he talks to like guys. He says he does, but the thing is, girls act differently than guys. A girl would lean her head on my boyfriend’s shoulder, but a guy wouldn’t do that. A girl would say she feels lonely, but a guy wouldn’t say that. Of course my boyfriend will feel bad for the girl…

Anyways, things escalated. And he started saying that I need to accept him for who he is like I used to and that I don’t love who he is anymore. WHICH ISN’T TRUE. I told him that I just get insecure and jealous, and that I need time to get better at it. Sometimes I say it’s wrong for him to talk to girls, but I always take it back. He knows I know that it’s ok to do it. He can’t just make me be ok with all of it in one night, which is not what he is asking of me. He just wants me to be positive. He said it’s fine if I get upset that he talks to girls, but I can’t tell him he’s doing something wrong.  He knows we have been making progress. I don’t understand why he was having this melt down. He said if this continued, he would shut down and become a bad person. It was hurting him. For a couple of weeks, we were doing pretty good. And for all of that time he had been suppressing his feelings. He was “lying” to me by not sharing everything with me even if he didn’t mean to. I told him he messed up and it’s ok, but we need to fix it. He kept denying the fact he lied. He said it wasn’t lying because he wasn’t aware that he was keeping things from me. He said he only was aware of it for a split second twice.

He would get all awkward and flustered when talking to girls, telling himself what he’s doing is wrong. He’s the one that used to say if something  that he did hurt me then he was wrong to do it. I see his point though. I completely agree that he should talk to girls and guys both. But it’s harder to be ok with it when he’s cheated on me. When I tell him that, he just brings up how I was like this before the cheating. He’s right to say it. But I was getting better at it. Then he cheated. Then things got bad. Then things got better. Then he shut down again and suppressed all this shit and things got bad. Last night, he said he would leave me because I wasn’t being myself. I wasn’t who I used to be. I was saying dumb shit, which he believed so he thought I changed for the worse and lost myself. He actually said he would leave me. It broke me inside, hearing those words. I thought I could never do anything to make him leave. He always told me I had him no matter what.

We fixed things by realizing I didn’t mean the dumb shit I said. Things like: I can’t ever be ok with him talking to girls in the two years we are apart, and that this is who I am now. I just feel like he should’ve known I didn’t mean those words. Of course we are perfect for each other and we love each other 100%. He loves that I’m emotional and sensitive and that I care so much. And I love how he thinks and cares about bettering the world.

So our solution is being more positive. We make each other feel safe so we can talk openly. I already did all this, but he didn’t. I just lacked the positivity. I have ALWAYS told him everything. But he didn’t. He has a hard time telling me things because he thinks I will always get hurt. He thinks by suppressing all that, he was trying to protect me. But I told him it actually hurt me so bad. Everything was a lie. I was all happy these past few weeks and it was fake.

We are doing great now, like for real. Being positive. Talking openly. But I do think sometimes he’s just insensitive to my feelings. He is emotionally disabled. Damaged. He doesn’t see it. I always tell him that he is. Not in a mean way. But he just says that I am too.. I agree. But we are in different ways. I told him that by him not telling me stuff, it’s hard to trust him now. What he did was a big lie. It hurts that he could do this. The foundation of our relationship is ruined it seems like. I didn’t know he could lie to me (or hide things unintentionally even). I didn’t know he could leave me. He’s making things so much harder. I don’t mean to blame him, but he knows he needs to take responsibility for what he did. And we both know it’s fixable. We have a positive mentality. We don’t think, but we KNOW everything will be great. We know we are perfect for each other. We are soulmates. This life on earth is nothing compared to our eternity together after death.

He was telling me that he wasn’t gonna leave me but just end the romantic relationship. He said he would still help me. A long time ago, I told him if we ever broke up, I wouldn’t let him help me. He wouldn’t deserve me in any way. But I know I’d let him help me eventually. I need him in my life whether if that’s as a boyfriend or friend. But I know he’s my soulmate.  I hate to think it, but I think if we ever broke up, we would never get back together even if we realized it’s the right thing to do. I’m too stubborn. For me, it’s now or never. If we broke up, I would be done forever. I’m not going through a “break” or breakup with him. I won’t let myself.

He was telling me all this stuff that he knows would hurt me. He just kept telling me all this stuff because it was everything that was suppressed…. Like how he wants to touch Beatrice and go visit Hayley in Nebraska just to go see her. Of course it’s hurtful to me. He’s right when he thinks that I would be hurt because he’s giving her time that he should be giving me. He can instead save that money and come see me. I really don’t think he should be going to see another girl even if it’s his best friend. He needs to focus on school, work, and me. That’s it. It was hurtful that he wants to tell her things when he and I aren’t doing well. She doesn’t even understand our relationship. He can’t be open with her. She doesn’t know he and I have sex. He just wants to tell her because she doesn’t say much about it but she listens and cares. I understand it, but I don’t like it. If something is wrong, he should just come to me. What the fuck does he need to go to her for? I do think it’s wrong to open up to other people because that part of him is mine.

I love who my boyfriend is. But when we are apart 900 miles away, things are just different. It’s harder for me. If I was living with him, I would have an easier time being ok with all that. I want to be ok with him doing what he wants. But I also want him to WANT to give me all his attention. I know he wants to, but he also wants Hayley. That makes me so sad, like I’m not enough to make him happy, which I know isn’t true. But still. He also wants to go to his ex, Zoey, and give her a hug and cry with her and get closure. WHAT FOR? I understand it and I would be ok with it. But I just don’t understand why he gives a fuck when these people don’t. I understand Hayley is a distant person and doesn’t like to reach out to people, but you know what, if she cares about somebody, she needs to. She’s wrong. And my boyfriend allows her to be like that. It’s like he’s always chasing after her. He used to have a crush on her and she rejected him. And she’s a year younger. I just think it’s kind of pathetic, which is mean of me. I know he doesn’t like like her anymore. But I feel like feelings can develop if he gets too close. There’s no need to be up her ass. I’m cool with Beatrice. I feel like I would love her.

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