Untitled For now

I have a hard time not yelling on the phone when I’m upset. I think the only time I get really calm is when I’m very very very angry and frustrated. Like I’ve given up kinda………..  OR I try really hard to keep calm and listen with love and patience (rare).

I don’t think my boyfriend sees some of the bad things he does. I have to give him so much proof for him to believe it and accept it. He doesn’t take my word for it. He says I’m stubborn, yeah I am. At least I admit it. But he is sooooo stubborn because he almost always thinks he’s right. He thinks he’s so open-minded, which makes it harder for him to accept what I say. I know I have a hard time trusting his words, but OMG AT LEAST I ADMIT IT. I realize it. I see it. I accept it. I believe it. I know I do it. So then I can fix the problem and not make the same mistake again. If he doesn’t see what he does, then he will continue to do it as he has been doing.

He doesn’t see my effort always. He threatens to hang up the phone if I don’t be nice. He gets conditional. He’s just not the same as he used to be. He’s not as good. Neither am I. Sometimes I feel like I’m a piece of shit. And sometimes I think he’s a piece of shit. BUT. I know I’m only saying this because I’m sad. I know it’s not true. It’s all just how I FEEL. It’s not what I know to be true. I know we are both perfect. WE are so loving and beautiful. I just miss him so much and I get sad/hurt/angry/impatient/stupid because of the long distance and not having enough time to talk.

Sometimes I feel like we will never overcome our trust and other issues. He says I blame him for everything, which I do sometimes. He says he will never cheat on me again. He says he forgives me repeatedly and I don’t forgive him easily, which is also true. He doesn’t accept my opinions when I say he’s not being very nice. He thinks all my negative opinions are from my negative feelings. He belittles me without even knowing it. He thinks he’s so right and open-minded.

He used to be the person I could vent to, be mean to, cry to, and share everything. He’s making me think he’s not it anymore. He’s slowly pulling back from what he used to do and what I need. But I know it’s not true. He doesn’t mean to hang up on me, or let me say bye when I’m sad. It’s a mistake on his part. I should forgive him for it. But it just hurts so much. He promised he would keep me on the phone. Also, when he does stay on the phone, he makes it seem like he doesn’t want to and he’s just doing it because I told him to. He sometimes stays on the phone and keeps saying he doesn’t know what to say. I find it so unfair that I can make him feel better and that I never give up on it. I always make sure he’s ok after an argument. He doesn’t do that for me. He doesn’t check in with me. It makes me feel neglected, uncared for, and unloved. It really hurts inside. Makes me cry uncontrollably. Even if I tell myself he doesn’t mean it, it doesn’t lessen the pain. I feel the pain because he isn’t there for me the way he should be. I feel like I don’t have him.

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