I AM 21 TODAY

Yesterday, I ruined the niceness challenge for the second time now between me and my boyfriend. I was completely devastated. I burned myself for the second time last night.

 

“I‘m not sure if you know why I wouldn’t talk to you… it was wrong regardless, i know. but i just want you to know that i felt awful. I felt like i fucked up so bad. i REALLY thought i’d last 14 days. it was kinda unrealistic maybe? im not sure. i only say it’s unrealistic because we expected to do it RIGHT AWAY. i’ve never done shit like that before… i ALWAYS fail a million times THEN succeed. yes its annoying that its like that… but its KINDA outt of my control. i did do one extra day better than the last. so i improved. i feel like thats all we should expect. that I DO BETTER. not a set goal like 14 days. because when i dont achieve the 14, i feel like a failure and its a trigger to get depressed. idk how to explain it, but i think you can understand what i felt. i was being so hard on myself and i just felt like i deserved pain. i wanted to hurt myself. During these times, i need to remember i can come to you. i made a huge mistake. again. by not coming to you. idk how to help it. i feel so miserable, angry, hurt, emotional. i dont think clearly. i go based off feelings, not logic. i dont think i can change that..”

 

so i wanted to tell you, last night, i got my hw done which i was waiting for so i can burn. i didn’t wana go outside like last time cuz its sooo cold. so i was walking to the garage. there was a woman with her dog in the garage. the dog was huge and skinny. it ran towards me really fast. it scared me. i shut the door reallllly fast. she started screaming, hey come out!! we are locked out here, help…….. so i was like oh im sorry, i’ll open the door once you hold your dog…… so she did (kinda, not really, which was rude) and i let her come inside the apartment. she looked fucked up. like she did heroine a few hours ago and needed her next fix. her lips were beyond chapped. it hurt to look at it. her make up looked old, and very dark. she looked tired. and pale. she was like 45. she was telling me how she locked herself out of her car and she left her keys in the car. (which i dont understand how you do??? i kinda didnt believe her, she seemed suspicious. sketchy) she said because her keys were in the car, she couldn’t get into the apartment building and into her apartment. so i helped her call the apartment people who said they couldn’t help. so i called the locksmith (idk why she wasnt doing SHIT, just watched me do everything). then i left her after i got her the help number. she didn’t seem to know the inside of the building or where her apartment was… thats why it was sketchy. i felt like i let a dangerous stranger into the building. i was kinda scared. i was very cautious around her. i was ready to pull the fire alarm if she tried anything lolol. i had scanned the room to find the fire alarm. i was also ready to run if i needed to.……..i felt like she was my distraction from god. I REALLY FELT LIEK it was. like god was trying to help me not burn. i even thought: hey god thanks man, but no thanks, im gonna be stubborn on this one, next time!lol its fucked. so i went and did it outside, didn’t wanna go back up to the garage. it was kinda nice to do it in the cold. i smoked the cigg a lil which was gross. then i burned.

i know its messed up, but i was really looking forward to doing it again you just to make it look nicer. to have 3 marks and more and more and more eventually. like a tattoo
and also, when i was really sad, before the burnining, i was thinking of ways to hurt myself. i cried so much thinking about how i wanted to be raped… i felt so fucked up for thinking it. i wanted somebody to hurt me like that emotionally and physically. to use me and throw me away. i cried even more thinking about it. then i thought about how i deserved the cheating. i cried even more. thats when i left to burn. it instantly made me feel a lil better. not as good as the first time, but it still did the trick
i looooved the burning feeling. it was such a strong and long distraction, that stinging helped me sleep. it was like 2 or 3am
when i woke up this morning, i wanted to burn again sooo bad. but i told myself i could reward myself with the burning once i finish all my hw
i didn’t even eat breakfast today, and ate food so late after i came home
i didn’t take care of myself at alllll
i didn’t want to. i didn’t feel like i deserved to be taken care
taken care of
i hope you can see how bad i was hurting. i really felt like garbage
like i was nothing
i kept telling myself i dont love myself… because if i did love myself, i wouldn’t do this shit
i generally love myself. but its not enough
i feel like im such a kid, so immature. i was so devastated that i didn’t win the challenge. i didn’t even think about how it was bettering us and its for our future so we dont get sad and so you can study and all that. i just cared about winning the challenge. and getting the massager.
I HURT MYSELF OVER A GAME AND MASSAGER??????????? i can laugh about it now, but its not funny.
//
Anyways, we were able to make the night good. Said goodnight in a loving and almost happy way.
“btw, i feel fucking fantastic ALMOST. like i basically do 99%
its killing me that we didn’t fix everthing 100% before you slept,,, like it bothers me you went to sleep like that. i dont like it
Im the type that NEEDS to fix things right away once im ready to
or else it kills me inside
thats why it bothers me not being able to talk to you. partly because I NEED TO DO IT RIGHT AWAY. and the other part that i just need YOU.
sometimes when we talk when you can after i waited for awhile… i get pissed AS FUCK. you know why? because my readiness and excitedness to fix things is GONE. i let the waiting kill me. i need to be more patient. i ruin it after i almost fixed it. i just have to wait and we will be gooooood
talk about how i was gonna burn and drink tomorrow because i’m 21 now. He stayed and talked to me. Was worried about failing. he feels stuck and guilty cuz he feels like he has to stay when i wanna hurt myself. he threatened to leave me by “taking a break”

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