Yesterday, I ruined the niceness challenge for the second time now between me and my boyfriend. I was completely devastated. I burned myself for the second time last night.
“I‘m not sure if you know why I wouldn’t talk to you… it was wrong regardless, i know. but i just want you to know that i felt awful. I felt like i fucked up so bad. i REALLY thought i’d last 14 days. it was kinda unrealistic maybe? im not sure. i only say it’s unrealistic because we expected to do it RIGHT AWAY. i’ve never done shit like that before… i ALWAYS fail a million times THEN succeed. yes its annoying that its like that… but its KINDA outt of my control. i did do one extra day better than the last. so i improved. i feel like thats all we should expect. that I DO BETTER. not a set goal like 14 days. because when i dont achieve the 14, i feel like a failure and its a trigger to get depressed. idk how to explain it, but i think you can understand what i felt. i was being so hard on myself and i just felt like i deserved pain. i wanted to hurt myself. During these times, i need to remember i can come to you. i made a huge mistake. again. by not coming to you. idk how to help it. i feel so miserable, angry, hurt, emotional. i dont think clearly. i go based off feelings, not logic. i dont think i can change that..”
“so i wanted to tell you, last night, i got my hw done which i was waiting for so i can burn. i didn’t wana go outside like last time cuz its sooo cold. so i was walking to the garage. there was a woman with her dog in the garage. the dog was huge and skinny. it ran towards me really fast. it scared me. i shut the door reallllly fast. she started screaming, hey come out!! we are locked out here, help…….. so i was like oh im sorry, i’ll open the door once you hold your dog…… so she did (kinda, not really, which was rude) and i let her come inside the apartment. she looked fucked up. like she did heroine a few hours ago and needed her next fix. her lips were beyond chapped. it hurt to look at it. her make up looked old, and very dark. she looked tired. and pale. she was like 45. she was telling me how she locked herself out of her car and she left her keys in the car. (which i dont understand how you do??? i kinda didnt believe her, she seemed suspicious. sketchy) she said because her keys were in the car, she couldn’t get into the apartment building and into her apartment. so i helped her call the apartment people who said they couldn’t help. so i called the locksmith (idk why she wasnt doing SHIT, just watched me do everything). then i left her after i got her the help number. she didn’t seem to know the inside of the building or where her apartment was… thats why it was sketchy. i felt like i let a dangerous stranger into the building. i was kinda scared. i was very cautious around her. i was ready to pull the fire alarm if she tried anything lolol. i had scanned the room to find the fire alarm. i was also ready to run if i needed to.……..i felt like she was my distraction from god. I REALLY FELT LIEK it was. like god was trying to help me not burn. i even thought: hey god thanks man, but no thanks, im gonna be stubborn on this one, next time!lol its fucked. so i went and did it outside, didn’t wanna go back up to the garage. it was kinda nice to do it in the cold. i smoked the cigg a lil which was gross. then i burned.