Nice Things He Said a Few Days Ago

I’m going to be done studying soon and going to bed

Please feel free to say anything though

I’ll reply before bed

I love you so much Mahum

It breaks my heart that you don’t feel it right now.

I’ll do everything I can to show you how much I love you and how much I care about you my beautiful wonderful girl

I’ll protect you forever

And ever

And every


I’ll never let you go

I’ll never give up

I’ll never lose hope

I’ll always see your beautiful heart

No matter what

I’ll hold you close forever

I’ll fill you with my heart and soul

I’ll never stop trying harder and harder and finding new ways to show you how much I care. And how much it pains me when you’re sad. Because I know that you NEVER deserve it.

Of course. You beautiful soul

I want to hold you in my lap.

Your legs around my back

Rocking there and back

I miss your touch

I miss touching you

I wish I could cry more sometimes because I feel like it would ease the suffering of being away

I don’t care. I treat you like you’re special no matter how things are because you’re always special no matter what.

I’m sleeping soon and I have a strong desire to say sweet things to the person that makes me happier than anyone in the world.

I wish I could touch you

I wish we could sit in front of each other on the floor, cross legged. I’d grab your hands and stare into your eyes

I’d lean in and give you a kiss

We could talk like that for a while

Softly. And without thinking

Just staring in appreciation

Until we can’t resist squeezing each other

Squirming together

Being right where we’re supposed to be

I like your morning breath. Even though I know it doesn’t smell good. It’s mine and I like it.

Random thought

It doesn’t smell bad to me like I’d think it would

I only ever have noticed it when I’m in the most comfortable place in the world

Not to say it’s really strong btw… it’s barely noticeable honestly

But I just remember it and for some reason it was a really comforting random ass thought

I like how fucking hot you are when I wake up in the middle of the night

My little heater

It’s crazy. And usually I HATE being hot at night or next to something hot

But I’m so drawn to your body heat

I love after sex when we’re soaking wet in sweat. I can feel it between our body.

My body’s natural reaction is to push away and clean the sweat off. But I fight it because I love it

I love after sex when I’m still inside you, laying there, all sweaty. And you’re so worn out. “A thorough fuck” as you say

And when I feel you squeezing me when I’m still in there and getting soft

I even like the clean up

I remember it being awkward at first and now it’s so normal

I wish we didn’t have to clean up. I wish there was a condition that it wouldn’t be bad to just relax and be free after sex. Lay there together all sweaty, let my cum just drip off of us and not pay any attention. It always interrupts our snuggles

I could totally just ignore it all and continue holding your hot body

(Hot temperature wise and sexy wise)

I wish we could make love and lay there until we make love again. And then again. And again. A whole day and just clean up good at the end. Never separate. Have water next to the bed so we never get up. Never put any distance between our bodies.

Be so close and inside you for as long as possible

Pushing myself into your beautiful, warm, wet opening again and again for so long

Sharing that closeness for hours

I’m sure we’d fall asleep sometimes

Wake up, still touching, share that closeness all over again

I could never get tired of sharing that closeness, that pleasure, that love with you

I love it when you squirm because it’s just so much

I could hold you there forever

I could hold you in my arms, next to my body, forever

I love you so much Mahum

Please hold me close tonight. I love you so much baby.

I can’t wait until we touch again

Goodnight soulmate


Yesterday, I ruined the niceness challenge for the second time now between me and my boyfriend. I was completely devastated. I burned myself for the second time last night.


“I‘m not sure if you know why I wouldn’t talk to you… it was wrong regardless, i know. but i just want you to know that i felt awful. I felt like i fucked up so bad. i REALLY thought i’d last 14 days. it was kinda unrealistic maybe? im not sure. i only say it’s unrealistic because we expected to do it RIGHT AWAY. i’ve never done shit like that before… i ALWAYS fail a million times THEN succeed. yes its annoying that its like that… but its KINDA outt of my control. i did do one extra day better than the last. so i improved. i feel like thats all we should expect. that I DO BETTER. not a set goal like 14 days. because when i dont achieve the 14, i feel like a failure and its a trigger to get depressed. idk how to explain it, but i think you can understand what i felt. i was being so hard on myself and i just felt like i deserved pain. i wanted to hurt myself. During these times, i need to remember i can come to you. i made a huge mistake. again. by not coming to you. idk how to help it. i feel so miserable, angry, hurt, emotional. i dont think clearly. i go based off feelings, not logic. i dont think i can change that..”


so i wanted to tell you, last night, i got my hw done which i was waiting for so i can burn. i didn’t wana go outside like last time cuz its sooo cold. so i was walking to the garage. there was a woman with her dog in the garage. the dog was huge and skinny. it ran towards me really fast. it scared me. i shut the door reallllly fast. she started screaming, hey come out!! we are locked out here, help…….. so i was like oh im sorry, i’ll open the door once you hold your dog…… so she did (kinda, not really, which was rude) and i let her come inside the apartment. she looked fucked up. like she did heroine a few hours ago and needed her next fix. her lips were beyond chapped. it hurt to look at it. her make up looked old, and very dark. she looked tired. and pale. she was like 45. she was telling me how she locked herself out of her car and she left her keys in the car. (which i dont understand how you do??? i kinda didnt believe her, she seemed suspicious. sketchy) she said because her keys were in the car, she couldn’t get into the apartment building and into her apartment. so i helped her call the apartment people who said they couldn’t help. so i called the locksmith (idk why she wasnt doing SHIT, just watched me do everything). then i left her after i got her the help number. she didn’t seem to know the inside of the building or where her apartment was… thats why it was sketchy. i felt like i let a dangerous stranger into the building. i was kinda scared. i was very cautious around her. i was ready to pull the fire alarm if she tried anything lolol. i had scanned the room to find the fire alarm. i was also ready to run if i needed to.……..i felt like she was my distraction from god. I REALLY FELT LIEK it was. like god was trying to help me not burn. i even thought: hey god thanks man, but no thanks, im gonna be stubborn on this one, next time!lol its fucked. so i went and did it outside, didn’t wanna go back up to the garage. it was kinda nice to do it in the cold. i smoked the cigg a lil which was gross. then i burned.

i know its messed up, but i was really looking forward to doing it again you just to make it look nicer. to have 3 marks and more and more and more eventually. like a tattoo
and also, when i was really sad, before the burnining, i was thinking of ways to hurt myself. i cried so much thinking about how i wanted to be raped… i felt so fucked up for thinking it. i wanted somebody to hurt me like that emotionally and physically. to use me and throw me away. i cried even more thinking about it. then i thought about how i deserved the cheating. i cried even more. thats when i left to burn. it instantly made me feel a lil better. not as good as the first time, but it still did the trick
i looooved the burning feeling. it was such a strong and long distraction, that stinging helped me sleep. it was like 2 or 3am
when i woke up this morning, i wanted to burn again sooo bad. but i told myself i could reward myself with the burning once i finish all my hw
i didn’t even eat breakfast today, and ate food so late after i came home
i didn’t take care of myself at alllll
i didn’t want to. i didn’t feel like i deserved to be taken care
taken care of
i hope you can see how bad i was hurting. i really felt like garbage
like i was nothing
i kept telling myself i dont love myself… because if i did love myself, i wouldn’t do this shit
i generally love myself. but its not enough
i feel like im such a kid, so immature. i was so devastated that i didn’t win the challenge. i didn’t even think about how it was bettering us and its for our future so we dont get sad and so you can study and all that. i just cared about winning the challenge. and getting the massager.
I HURT MYSELF OVER A GAME AND MASSAGER??????????? i can laugh about it now, but its not funny.
Anyways, we were able to make the night good. Said goodnight in a loving and almost happy way.
“btw, i feel fucking fantastic ALMOST. like i basically do 99%
its killing me that we didn’t fix everthing 100% before you slept,,, like it bothers me you went to sleep like that. i dont like it
Im the type that NEEDS to fix things right away once im ready to
or else it kills me inside
thats why it bothers me not being able to talk to you. partly because I NEED TO DO IT RIGHT AWAY. and the other part that i just need YOU.
sometimes when we talk when you can after i waited for awhile… i get pissed AS FUCK. you know why? because my readiness and excitedness to fix things is GONE. i let the waiting kill me. i need to be more patient. i ruin it after i almost fixed it. i just have to wait and we will be gooooood
talk about how i was gonna burn and drink tomorrow because i’m 21 now. He stayed and talked to me. Was worried about failing. he feels stuck and guilty cuz he feels like he has to stay when i wanna hurt myself. he threatened to leave me by “taking a break”

I Was Actually Excited For My Macro Hw

My boyfriend I have been doing pretty well for past 4 days. But there’s still been some lows, but I still count them in my good days because we handled them better. The sadness lasted only for few minutes. Before the 4 days, it would take hours to fix me getting upset. Now it takes minutes. But, we’re still not GREAT like we have been in the past. Anytime I get sad now, my mind goes STRAIGHT to thinking about burning myself.

Right now, I’m upset that my boyfriend was in a group of boys and girls during lunch and was talking about SUCH intimate things with the opposite sex. It really hurt my feelings. Made me cry and get mean instantly. I told him I was disgusted by him, which I said only because I felt so hurt. I really don’t think it’s any of my boyfriend’s business if one of his female airman is getting fucked good or not. I bet my boyfriend would think it’s so wrong to share his and my sex life, so why is he partaking in this conversation with them about their sex lives??? He said he was just there and wasn’t engaging in it, but HE WAS. He agreed and was listening to the WHOLE conversation because he WANTED to be a part of it.  It’s so gross that the people in the military are so horny all the time. I guess I really don’t trust my boyfriend 😦 It hurts so bad that I don’t know how anymore. Sometimes it really feels like I trust him. I thought I knew forsure that deep down I do, but my therapist made me wonder what if deep down I don’t trust him and try to act like I do.

He texted me:

“We were at lunch and this girl at our take was whispering about how Stott is crushing on this one guy. I was like… we all know, you don’t have to hide it from me.

Then that girl, said he’s really cute.
This guy Mitchell at our table said, “you’d sit on his face.” (She made a joke like that before)
She laughed.
Then he asked another girl, “would you sit on his face?”
Yeah fucked up weird ass joke I know
She was like wtf!?!? Then she realized he was just joking
She said, “no, ask her… I don’t know anything about that”
The girl at the table said, yeah her husband has never done that for her, he said he won’t
Mitchell said that’s messed up. We both agreed
Then he asked another girl if her husband ever goes down on her
She said no, sometimes if she asks
Apparently most guys won’t do it.. Wtf???”
I do like that my boyfriend was only telling me the story because it reminded him of how good he and I are. I told him that ….He texted me:
It made me feel really great about us. I realized how no matter how good everyone’s relationship is, there’s always those things, and exactly… HOW IT SHOULD BE. That they are missing and they feel completely normal about it. Like they really love each other. Even though one or the other doesn’t LOVE doing things like that
You and me are different. We don’t just do normal things for each other. WE LOOOOVVE doing normal things that we should be doing
And not just most of them
others think that but we KNOW it
I gotta go baby. I’m sorry. I love you. Bye”
He wasn’t able to help me feel better, which is OK. But now I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to break my promise to him (hurt myself) and I also don’t want to keep him talking to me because he needs to study. I have a lighter in my hand and I’m crying. I told him I NEED to feel better. He couldn’t help me achieve that. So now what?
Therapist would maybe say: go work out, blog, talk with your sister, go outside,  or something so you can deal with it and not hurt yourself.
I already blogged. I’m not gonna go work out or go outside. And my sister is sleeping. I wish she was awake. My mom is busy in a meeting. I have nobody.
I’ve been having a hard time breathing sometimes. It doesn’t last long. It doesn’t happen often. I just don’t like it. Makes me feel crazy.
Because of all this sad bullshit, I cannot focus on my homework that I ACTUALLY looked forward to doing. It’s so late in the night – I can’t stay up to do it anymore it feels like. I’ll try, but I know it might be a waste of even trying. I had sat down at like 8pm to do this assignment, but then I started talking to my boyfriend…
We made things so good in the end. BUT then he said he would make an exception for this one night and still give me until the 31st for our no harming challenge. I said it wasn’t an exception because we still made it a good night. He said well yes, but it was still a bad 45 minutes. I felt like I still deserved this to be considered a good night because I made it better. He said it didn’t matter about how long it took or anything – it’s the fact that it got bad. I fucking disagree. Before, it used to take hours and hours to fix it and sometimes it still wouldn’t be fixed. We’d have to go to sleep sad. Now I can’t go back to my happy self because the challenge is ruined. I don’t want to fucking start all over.
Ok so I’ve been adding to this blog throughout my conversations with my boyfriend. We made things better again. I’m ready to start the fucking challenge over, but I’m still sad about it. Devastated that I have to start over.
Having 2 good days under my belt was REAL good motivation to keep going. Now i have zero. I feel so sad, unmotivated, discouraged.
I told him about that. And how even though it’s fucked up, I feel like having him wasn’t motivation enough to keep being nice. This is because I’ll get him regardless of me being nice or not. WHICH I KNOW IS FUCKED UP.
I told him: you know at the Ripley’s Believe it or Not… I knocked down the thing you were building, with the cards… you didn’t like it. it wasn’t worth to try to build it again. Why? Because you put so much effort into it and now you’d have to REDO the same thing, it seems pointless at that point EVEN THO IT REALLY ISN”T.
Ok I’m exhausted from the crying and all this.. but I/m ready to kick ass on macro for a lil bit. I’ll do whatever is left tomorrow. But I’m gonna start it at least.
New date for challenge (2 weeks): Feb 3rd (ugh)
“Even the littlest negative thought… attack plan: 1) Reinforce what’s right in mind 2) tell Dalton right away 3) tell Dalton the reason it’s not true and how you can be positive in a way that is opposite the negative thought”
I NEED the warm, wet, special, beautiful, opening at the bottom of you. It’s magic how it brings me close to you. I need it to surround me and send shocks of love and bliss up through me and back into you. I need to be surrounded, so deep inside your warmth. Sending our love between us.
“alright, well then, it’s time, to cut the umbilical cord for the night”


I met with Jennifer yesterday for fifty minutes. I hadn’t seen her for a few months because I was being stubborn. I just wanted somebody that I could depend on EVERY week, but she was booked solid and got sick. But I’m glad I’m giving therapy another shot. I know it can help me, but only if I stick with it and be patient. I’m doing a lot better in general because my boyfriend and I are doing better. And also because school started, so I’m very busy with school, work, tutoring, and family. My mom’s gone for a month for work – she’s in Ireland and then will go to India.

I had quite the break down like a week ago. I ended up calling my mom and asking for help, which I’ve never done. She said she finally felt like a good mother because I felt like I could come to her. She ended up helping me calm down, which was surprising. The day before, I think I had my first panic attack. I couldn’t breathe and I felt unstable. I’ve never had the “not being able to breathe” feeling. That freaked me out. It was because of something with my boyfriend and me, which I can’t remember anymore. We were able to fix it and be good finally. But days later, things got fucked up again and I scratched myself. Then I burned myself another day with the end of a cigarette, which I smoked. I felt bad for breaking my sobriety. It felt worse smoking a cigg than weed. I didn’t even enjoy the cigg; I just wanted to hurt myself.

I haven’t smoked weed in a while. I even went to the Odesza concert SOBER. Well, I took Phenibut, which I regretted. It just made it hard to breathe there. But except for that, I was literally sober for months. I have a nasty purple puffy thing on my arm now from the burn. That night I did it, it felt AMAZING. I loved the stinging feeling. It was a great distraction. It was even fun. I’ve promised my boyfriend I won’t do it again. He’s promised to never be mean. We’re doing really good right now. We’ve had some “fights” in the past week, but we’ve managed to get to this awesome place we’re in, like we always do.

I feel like I need medication, or some kind of help. Real serious help. I really believe I have chemical imbalances in my brain. There’s times I feel like shit for no reason. But then sometimes I feel amazing the next minute. I have SO MANY ups and downs. And they’re real big highs and real big lows. On one end, I feel like I’m high and happy as fuck. On the other end, I feel like I’m a piece of shit and I want to hurt myself. I want it all to stop. Sometimes I just want to be numb, which is bad. I really want to see a fMRI of my brain. I want to see the dopamine and serotonin levels. I want to SEE the depression and love. I don’t know why I wanna see, but I do. I know it won’t really help me. I know I’m in love. And I’m pretty sure I’m depressed. But its the depression I’m not confident in saying. What if I’m a mild form of bipolar? Or I have OCD? Or an anxiety disorder? Or a combination of a couple?

I want to deal with things. Cope. Manage. But I seriously don’t know how. I feel like there’s no secret. You just do it. That doesn’t cut it for me.. My coping methods are as follow: cry a lot for days. Then when that gets old, then scratch. And when that’s not enough, burn. I know it needs to stop right here. I do pat myself on the back for not doing drugs (for the most part) anymore. I still think it’s quite the accomplishment. But I need to be 100% sober again, which I know I will do.

For two years, it was just crying. And lots of it. Then I just started this bullshit with the scratching for the past 2 months. And the burning was a one time thing. I DO NOT want it to escalate anymore. It’s scary. I know what my next thing would be most likely… I think about walking outside my apartment and going to the highway to get hit. Thinking about the harmful thing is what starts the process in actually doing it, so I try not to think about it. I rarely do now. I thought about it a lot before.

I don’t understand why I’m not happy. Or even a lil bit happier. School used to be the source of my happiness – if I did well and got good grades, then I was happy. Like actually happy. But I haven’t done REALLY well in school since 8th grade. I’m so shocked I have a 3.8 GPA now. This is a first in SOOO long. But I’m still unhappy, which is weird. I don’t get it. It’s just not the same anymore. I have a boyfriend now. When he and I are doing well, then I’m truly happy. It’s unhealthy. Toxic. But I’m trying to focus on me now. I’ve been going to the gym. I got some books, which I’ve had NO time to read because of school and work and tutoring. I also have taken on the role of the mother in the house because I gotta cook and take care of my sister. I really miss my mom. I feel bad that she’s been feeling miserable, which is nothing new. But at least we talk about it now on Viber. She and I are doing reallllllly good.

I just want to end this with saying that I know I will make it out alive. I also know I will end up happy pretty soon. I’ve almost always been able to push through no matter what when I really need to. I need to get over this mess I’ve made for myself. I really feel like I created the depression in me. I knew when it was happening and I didn’t take care of myself. I just kinda gave up and let it get worse. I’ve done something similar before where I’m very aware of what bad things are going on, but I do nothing about it. I can’t let it happen again. I won’t let it go any further. I love myself too much. I love my boyfriend too much. And I love my mom and sister too much.

I think about my boyfriend dying sometimes, which I told him. I don’t like to think about it, but I think it’s good to. I need to remember there’s a life outside him. If something were to happen to him (God forbid), I can’t just go kill myself. I have to keep living. He and I have talked extensively about it. I feel at peace with it. But I know I’d feel like I’m in hell for months. But again, I know I’d get through it with the help of family and distractions. After all, he’d be waiting for me in Heaven. We have all of eternity to be together. It’s a comforting thought. I don’t know if it’s true, but I believe it is. I hope I’m not wrong.





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Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her)

Time For Air Force Leave (6 months)

So my boyfriend leaves November 4th, 2015 at like 6am. It was supposed to be in December so I was going to see him one more time, which I’m being robbed of. It then changed to November 3rd, and now he surprised me last minute and said it’s on the 4th because the new recruiter got mixed up with the dates. His old recruiter sucked. Stupid bitch thought it was December because she didn’t want to do her job.

Anyways, he and I are doing amazing. He leaves the day after tomorrow. We were doing so shitty the past three days. I kept feeling neglected because he didn’t have time for me. He spent so much time with his aunt/uncle/cousins and grandpa who came in his RV.

I’m just glad we are doing well and that he has an extra day. I really wish I could get a hug. Or like an hour to spend together in person. Ugh. I love him so much. I hate that he feels like I don’t care about him or love him because I DO SO MUCH. More than anybody ever.

Untitled For now

I have a hard time not yelling on the phone when I’m upset. I think the only time I get really calm is when I’m very very very angry and frustrated. Like I’ve given up kinda………..  OR I try really hard to keep calm and listen with love and patience (rare).

I don’t think my boyfriend sees some of the bad things he does. I have to give him so much proof for him to believe it and accept it. He doesn’t take my word for it. He says I’m stubborn, yeah I am. At least I admit it. But he is sooooo stubborn because he almost always thinks he’s right. He thinks he’s so open-minded, which makes it harder for him to accept what I say. I know I have a hard time trusting his words, but OMG AT LEAST I ADMIT IT. I realize it. I see it. I accept it. I believe it. I know I do it. So then I can fix the problem and not make the same mistake again. If he doesn’t see what he does, then he will continue to do it as he has been doing.

He doesn’t see my effort always. He threatens to hang up the phone if I don’t be nice. He gets conditional. He’s just not the same as he used to be. He’s not as good. Neither am I. Sometimes I feel like I’m a piece of shit. And sometimes I think he’s a piece of shit. BUT. I know I’m only saying this because I’m sad. I know it’s not true. It’s all just how I FEEL. It’s not what I know to be true. I know we are both perfect. WE are so loving and beautiful. I just miss him so much and I get sad/hurt/angry/impatient/stupid because of the long distance and not having enough time to talk.

Sometimes I feel like we will never overcome our trust and other issues. He says I blame him for everything, which I do sometimes. He says he will never cheat on me again. He says he forgives me repeatedly and I don’t forgive him easily, which is also true. He doesn’t accept my opinions when I say he’s not being very nice. He thinks all my negative opinions are from my negative feelings. He belittles me without even knowing it. He thinks he’s so right and open-minded.

He used to be the person I could vent to, be mean to, cry to, and share everything. He’s making me think he’s not it anymore. He’s slowly pulling back from what he used to do and what I need. But I know it’s not true. He doesn’t mean to hang up on me, or let me say bye when I’m sad. It’s a mistake on his part. I should forgive him for it. But it just hurts so much. He promised he would keep me on the phone. Also, when he does stay on the phone, he makes it seem like he doesn’t want to and he’s just doing it because I told him to. He sometimes stays on the phone and keeps saying he doesn’t know what to say. I find it so unfair that I can make him feel better and that I never give up on it. I always make sure he’s ok after an argument. He doesn’t do that for me. He doesn’t check in with me. It makes me feel neglected, uncared for, and unloved. It really hurts inside. Makes me cry uncontrollably. Even if I tell myself he doesn’t mean it, it doesn’t lessen the pain. I feel the pain because he isn’t there for me the way he should be. I feel like I don’t have him.