My boyfriend I have been doing pretty well for past 4 days. But there’s still been some lows, but I still count them in my good days because we handled them better. The sadness lasted only for few minutes. Before the 4 days, it would take hours to fix me getting upset. Now it takes minutes. But, we’re still not GREAT like we have been in the past. Anytime I get sad now, my mind goes STRAIGHT to thinking about burning myself.
Right now, I’m upset that my boyfriend was in a group of boys and girls during lunch and was talking about SUCH intimate things with the opposite sex. It really hurt my feelings. Made me cry and get mean instantly. I told him I was disgusted by him, which I said only because I felt so hurt. I really don’t think it’s any of my boyfriend’s business if one of his female airman is getting fucked good or not. I bet my boyfriend would think it’s so wrong to share his and my sex life, so why is he partaking in this conversation with them about their sex lives??? He said he was just there and wasn’t engaging in it, but HE WAS. He agreed and was listening to the WHOLE conversation because he WANTED to be a part of it. It’s so gross that the people in the military are so horny all the time. I guess I really don’t trust my boyfriend 😦 It hurts so bad that I don’t know how anymore. Sometimes it really feels like I trust him. I thought I knew forsure that deep down I do, but my therapist made me wonder what if deep down I don’t trust him and try to act like I do.
He texted me:
“We were at lunch and this girl at our take was whispering about how Stott is crushing on this one guy. I was like… we all know, you don’t have to hide it from me.
Then that girl, said he’s really cute.
This guy Mitchell at our table said, “you’d sit on his face.” (She made a joke like that before)
She laughed.
Then he asked another girl, “would you sit on his face?”
Yeah fucked up weird ass joke I know
She was like wtf!?!? Then she realized he was just joking
She said, “no, ask her… I don’t know anything about that”
The girl at the table said, yeah her husband has never done that for her, he said he won’t
Mitchell said that’s messed up. We both agreed
Then he asked another girl if her husband ever goes down on her
She said no, sometimes if she asks
Apparently most guys won’t do it.. Wtf???”
////
I do like that my boyfriend was only telling me the story because it reminded him of how good he and I are. I told him that ….He texted me:
“It made me feel really great about us. I realized how no matter how good everyone’s relationship is, there’s always those things, and exactly… HOW IT SHOULD BE. That they are missing and they feel completely normal about it. Like they really love each other. Even though one or the other doesn’t LOVE doing things like that
You and me are different. We don’t just do normal things for each other. WE LOOOOVVE doing normal things that we should be doing
And not just most of them
others think that but we KNOW it
I gotta go baby. I’m sorry. I love you. Bye”
//
He wasn’t able to help me feel better, which is OK. But now I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to break my promise to him (hurt myself) and I also don’t want to keep him talking to me because he needs to study. I have a lighter in my hand and I’m crying. I told him I NEED to feel better. He couldn’t help me achieve that. So now what?
Therapist would maybe say: go work out, blog, talk with your sister, go outside, or something so you can deal with it and not hurt yourself.
I already blogged. I’m not gonna go work out or go outside. And my sister is sleeping. I wish she was awake. My mom is busy in a meeting. I have nobody.
I’ve been having a hard time breathing sometimes. It doesn’t last long. It doesn’t happen often. I just don’t like it. Makes me feel crazy.
Because of all this sad bullshit, I cannot focus on my homework that I ACTUALLY looked forward to doing. It’s so late in the night – I can’t stay up to do it anymore it feels like. I’ll try, but I know it might be a waste of even trying. I had sat down at like 8pm to do this assignment, but then I started talking to my boyfriend…
We made things so good in the end. BUT then he said he would make an exception for this one night and still give me until the 31st for our no harming challenge. I said it wasn’t an exception because we still made it a good night. He said well yes, but it was still a bad 45 minutes. I felt like I still deserved this to be considered a good night because I made it better. He said it didn’t matter about how long it took or anything – it’s the fact that it got bad. I fucking disagree. Before, it used to take hours and hours to fix it and sometimes it still wouldn’t be fixed. We’d have to go to sleep sad. Now I can’t go back to my happy self because the challenge is ruined. I don’t want to fucking start all over.
Ok so I’ve been adding to this blog throughout my conversations with my boyfriend. We made things better again. I’m ready to start the fucking challenge over, but I’m still sad about it. Devastated that I have to start over.
Having 2 good days under my belt was REAL good motivation to keep going. Now i have zero. I feel so sad, unmotivated, discouraged.
I told him about that. And how even though it’s fucked up, I feel like having him wasn’t motivation enough to keep being nice. This is because I’ll get him regardless of me being nice or not. WHICH I KNOW IS FUCKED UP.
I told him: you know at the Ripley’s Believe it or Not… I knocked down the thing you were building, with the cards… you didn’t like it. it wasn’t worth to try to build it again. Why? Because you put so much effort into it and now you’d have to REDO the same thing, it seems pointless at that point EVEN THO IT REALLY ISN”T.
Ok I’m exhausted from the crying and all this.. but I/m ready to kick ass on macro for a lil bit. I’ll do whatever is left tomorrow. But I’m gonna start it at least.
New date for challenge (2 weeks): Feb 3rd (ugh)
“Even the littlest negative thought… attack plan: 1) Reinforce what’s right in mind 2) tell Dalton right away 3) tell Dalton the reason it’s not true and how you can be positive in a way that is opposite the negative thought”
“I NEED the warm, wet, special, beautiful, opening at the bottom of you. It’s magic how it brings me close to you. I need it to surround me and send shocks of love and bliss up through me and back into you. I need to be surrounded, so deep inside your warmth. Sending our love between us.“
“alright, well then, it’s time, to cut the umbilical cord for the night”
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